BROWN
This morning on FOREVER YOUNG, helping caregivers take care of themselves. It can be demanding and physically draining to care for young children while also tending to the needs of an aging parent. There's new advice in "The Caregiver's Survival Handbook: How to Care for Your Aging Parent Without Losing Yourself." And Alexis Abramson is the author.  She's also a gerontologist and a TODAY show contributor. Alexis, good morning.  It's good to see you.

ABRAMSON
Good morning, Campbell.

BROWN
Talk to me first about the struggle, because it's often women who are in this position of trying to manage both.  And--and there's a lot of frustration and a lot of stress and a lot of guilt associated with it.

ABRAMSON
There is a lot of guilt.  Seventy-two percent of caregivers are female, although there are more males that are starting to get involved in it.  Guilt is a tremendous issue because, as you know, females are getting back in the work force, they're caring for their children, their spouse, their parents.  It's very stressful.

BROWN
And they never quite feel like they're giving attention or enough attention to anyone, whether it's the kids or spouse or the aging parent.

ABRAMSON
Or themselves.  Quite frankly, what we forget to do is take it back and take care of ourselves.  And that's part of what "The Caregiver's Survival Handbook" does is to tell you, take a break, kind of, you know, to get yourself back together, care for yourself so you can simultaneously care for others.

BROWN
You have some very specific advice that you lay out in the book, and I want to go through it.  I think it's really solid.  First being, acknowledge your feelings.

ABRAMSON
Don't forget to acknowledge your feelings.  As I said before, you cannot do everything for everyone 100 percent of the time, so you need to understand that you can only do your best.  With that--that being said, acknowledge your feelings.  If you're feeling guilt, if you're feeling frustration, put it where it needs to be and move on.

BROWN
The other one is setting limits and--and establishing your own priorities.  You--you can't do everything.

ABRAMSON
Like anything in life, you have to create a list, you have to have your musts and your wants.  Make sure you--you follow through with your needs and your musts for your parents of for your family.  In terms of your wants, they probably can wait till the next day.

BROWN
You say fostering independence will help.  What do you mean by that?

ABRAMSON
That's very important.  Sometimes we over-care.  Sometimes we've come--become so involved as caregivers that we give too much.

BROWN
Or give it when it may not be necessary.

ABRAMSON
Exactly.  And then our parent becomes too co-dependent on us. For instance, you may be able to help your parent get dressed in the morning, and it'll take 15 minutes.  If they did it alone, it would take an hour, but they'll feel more in control of themselves if they can dress themselves, number one.  And number two, that may give you some respite and some down time.

BROWN
This--this le--does lead to another area, though, where you--you--especially I think when you're caring for a parent, there is a lot of potential there to do some real head-butting...

ABRAMSON
Right.

BROWN
...over who's doing what...

ABRAMSON
Right.

BROWN
...and who can do what.  How do you manage that?

ABRAMSON
Well, I always feel that you need to pick your battles.  I mean, if the battle is about taking the keys away from your parent, for instance, stand firm on that if you feel they're endangering others.  But if the battle is about they want to wear striped pants with a solid--with a--with a plaid shirt, or they want to put a Christmas tree up in August, let it go.

BROWN
A little more advice here, hold your criticism.

ABRAMSON
Right, especially hold your criticism when other family members are involved in the caregiving process.  The situation here is that everyone is not going to care just like you do.  So make sure if others are involved that you let them care in their own style.

BROWN
And we're out of time, but I do want to mention your final point was consider your finances.

ABRAMSON
Don't forget the finances.  Caregiving is an extremely expensive job to do.

BROWN
Alexis Abramson, thank you so much. It's all really good information. Good to see you.

ABRAMSON
Thank you.